Last week , I had my nose cut off by a Porsche Cayenne. 1 didn't mind at first, but then I saw the pilot was a white-liveried chauffeur, peaked cap and all, taking a snotty teenager around. Hang on, then: why is a bloody Porsche being used as a school bus? Don't millionaires have any sense of occasion? Or do they simply not have anything that fits the cart-future-drug-addicts-around bill?
Well, maybe they do now. And they should be shot if they look elsewhere. The Volvo XC90 is the most family-friendly SUV you can get your hands on. Fiddle with it for ten minutes and you have visions of (moneyed) people taking their kids on long driving holidays, trusting in the car to A) Keep them safe, B) Keep them comfortable and C) Keep them from killing each other.
A is easy: it's a Volvo. B is 'cos of the space inside, the fabulous seats and the airy cabin. The dashboard is a mess, lots of tiny buttons distracting you from driving and playing "I Spy," but it's solid and good looking and not so techy that the kids will want to fiddle with it.
C is because of the DVD player at the rear, which will keep the little darlings occupied, and because of the headphones, which are cordless so they can't strangle each other. You'll be relaxed too, in the high-up, multi-adjustable seat - until you press the throttle, and then you might just feel a bit nervous.
It's funny, but the only bit that needs to go is my favourite one: the 4.4-litre, 315bhp VB. I love it for the "Don't disturb Papa Bear" growl, and its sheer effortlessness: we were doing some silly speeds, and the engine had just extended its little finger. I even found the 6kpl fuel economy amusing - but then I'm on an expense account for fuel. So why would you want anything other than a diesel? I think Volvo was worried the car wasn't bling enough who after all wants a diesel-powered Swedish school bus? - and plonked in the VB for glamour. No need: convince the crowds of the family SUV angle, and you're in. Compete with an X5 and you'll never win.
The chassis agrees. We did our usual nutter run up the ghats and the XC90 scared me. It had no real grip out of corners, it bucked on every bump and rolled allover the place. Blame this on the VB: a less muscular engine would remind you that you don't actually want the kids spewing allover the leather seats. So you’ll take it easy. You'll let the cola sit quietly in the cupholders, you'll let the Transformers movie play in peace, and you'll relax a bit too.
And then you'll also get a proper Porsche, like a Cayman, fork out Rs 47-odd lakh for; the diesel instead of Rs 54.5 1akh (ex-Mumbai) for the VB, and live happily ever after.